Stress.....

It's been a little while since I have blogged my frustrations out so here goes everything that I am dealing with.  I found out after a year of trying to move from living room to bedroom that I don't get to move into the one I want because my uncle, his girlfriend, her niece, the nieces baby and one on the way will be moving into the small space.  This sucks!! I don't like them moving in and pushing me to the side of everything I wished I could just move out onto my own and not have to worry about others moving in and out of the house.  I was told that I could move into a room but it's small and hardly any room for both my little one and myself plus all of our stuff, what am I going to do?? I may sound a little selfish, childish, whatever right now but seriously this isn't fair I want a descent size room seeing as I have been living here for a whole year by myself and they just up and move in and get the nice room once again.  O did I mention that I was given a choice to stay in the living room and just block it off for privacy? Seriously what kind of privacy do you get, everybody could hear my t.v and all my phone conversations.  What if my little one wanted to sleep and you decided to make noises that would be your fault if she woke up so no I want a room.  grrr this aint fair! I need a descent job to move out on my own and be able to afford all my bills so I don't have to deal with this kind of stress anymore.  O well I guess I have to just deal with shit as it happens.

should i or should i not?

I have a little dilemma, I am dealing with mixed emotions and am not sure what i should do.  I am debating on letting the little sperm donor of my daughter come around when he feels like it or just keep telling him no.  He hasn't been around too much since she was born and he only wants to come around everyonce in awhile so it doesnt seem right to me that i should treat him like her father and give him rights to see her.  He has already technically signed over his rights in february and still wants to come see her, what a joke. No they aren't from any special lawyer but they are notarized making them legal so for all i care he really shouldnt be able to come see my daughter.  I have been doing good without him for eight months and she is living a happy life with having her adopted daddy around, my boyfriend is pretty much like her dad. She won't know any difference any time soon.  Well this subject is making me so confused that sometimes thinking about it just makes me sick to my stomach, that and i'm not sure if I am going over my head about my boyfriend. Things are going good in my head but not hundred percent if it's just in my head or if it really is going good.  I am afraid that i'm going to get too comfortable with him and than all of a sudden things will get ruined, why do i feel this way if things are going great between us? Am i just being paranoid, am i just being insecure? I am not sure but i hope am not being annoying to him lol.  Well i'm off to do whatever just had to get that off my chest =)

screw you!!

I'm so sick and tired of people talking shit about me and my life.  It's all just because they don't have anything better to do with their life than bitch and talk shit about other people because they hate their own lifestyles.  Well guess what it's time to stop putting my name in your f***ing mouth! Don't assume someone is gay or doing something just from what they post on blogs or facebook, whatever it is you're looking at because what people say or do can mean something totally opposite from what you think it is. For example just last night some dumbass thought I was gay just because i put a post not too long ago "I woke up to my gurl what a good feeling" or something like that. Well HELLO  you know I have a baby girl so why aint you using your brain? I woke up to my daughter and was happy!  Seriously stop stealing, taking so much pills for the hell of it and get a job.  Get something better to do with your time than to talk shit or treat your own family like shit, you say everyone is sick of my shit, i dont see how most of the family don't talk to me or see me anymore cause i keep to myself. but you guess what buddy there are a lot of people who don't trust you in their house and wish you would stop your shit, why do you steal and lie? why do talk shit none of it is worth it.  Plus to mention when was the last time you cared about your own flesh in blood, and im not talking about the ones around you. there is another one out there who doesnt even want to see you, he despises you for not trying to fight for him. you just gave up on him without a fight you could have tried harder for him but instead you thought his mom was a b***h or something so stoped caring. what a good way to live your life is not fighting for whats right.  Look i may be a bitch but i am doin everything i need to do in life to take care of my baby alone and at least me being a bitch i won't be used as a damn doormat to you or anybody else in life ever again.
PEACE OUT ASSWHOLES!!    i'm done with this shit, you want b***h you have one. stay out of my life

life on a roller coaster

Things are up in the air with my baby's sperm donor, I haven't heard from him in awhile so I have no clue if he is still wanting to take me to court or if he is staying away since there is a child support order on his ass..I really have no clue but let him try and take me to court because I have been in her life the whole time where he has chosen to be in and out of her life and hasn't done a damn thing to be a father to her. So i'm riding on a roller coaster with that chapter in my life, but the next chapter in my life has to do with how much my baby is growing up and wow is she growing fast!  She is going on 8 months weighing close to 15 lbs. (yes she is still small for 8mo.) and she is talking so much gibberish that all i can do is smile and laugh.  She is a happy little girl and I couldn't ask for more.  That is to the help of a great boyfriend who treats her like his own flesh n' blood, and my wonderful gurl who has always been her baby momma from the time I found out I was pregnant. All together my family who is around helps keep us both happy and i'm thankful for their help.  Life is going good right now i'm just hoping it stays that way.

drifting away on tears

Where do I begin?  One minute i'm ok and the next my thoughts just flow into sadness and anger, over what?? Over everything like being a single mother and having to deal with the father of my baby being in and out of her life, keeping my job I hate so much so I can make sure my baby has clothes on her back and to add the stress of trying to act happy all the time.  My emotions fly so high that it's hard to deal with reality sometimes, can I just run and hide in a closet for a little while? Or will that make me feel even more alone?  I know family and some friends are standing beside me there to catch some of my tears and calm my anger but sometimes that's just not enough.  My smiles are on my face to hide the pain on the inside, I am happy for the most part but there is a part of me that just doesn't know how to handle life so it just turns into jealousy, pain, anger etc. and when it does I just break down.  If I crumble into little pieces will you be there to tape the pieces back together?  I love everybody who is there for me and who helps life me when i'm down, do you feel the same way?

the green monster..

Have you dealt with that green little monster called jealousy?  I know I deal with it every once in awhile, and just lately I have come to realize that it's an evil little monster.  It makes you want to scream and cry, you just want to lock that monster up in a closet let it never come out.  Even though some people won't admit they get jealous I know that they are lying because we all have been at one time or another.  The question is how do you deal with this problem?  Well you can get mean about whatever you are jealous over or you can just deal with the issue at hand calmly.  Sometimes it may sound a little fun just to kick and scream and hopefully get what you want but in all reality that's just being childish.  So what am I going to do about my jealous monster? For now I will just keep it bottled up until the right time and deal with the issue later.  Any suggestions on how you handle your green little monster let me know because it might help me.

Me and my life

My teenage life wasn't too hard up until I made the decision to be with my babies daddy, things were good in the beginning, good enough to even get engaged! ! Well that didn't last too long, because after a year of being together things started to get rocky between us. We ended up breaking off the engagement because of some arguments that got too heated and I just couldn't handle it anymore.  We tried staying friends and all that ended up being was friends with a little too much benefits, and I ended up getting pregnant.  I had found out I was pregnant on March 16th 2010 and was a little scared to find out his reaction, but all I got was an "Ok what do you want to do?"  I knew I couldn't go through with abortion so that was out of the question and he wanted to put the baby up for adoption.  The question was could I carry this baby for nine (ten) months, feeling it kick and hiccup inside me and than just hand it over to the new parents?? well I had a feeling that would be the wrong thing to do and to try and stick it out.  So that's what I did, I practically handled the whole pregnancy alone (when he felt like being around he was). On top of that I had my baby two months early, she was put in the NICU for a month and the whole time I think her dad only seen her a handful of times.  When she was brought home nothing really changed between him and I, in fact he would only come over at nights to supposedly help with the bottles and diapers and than leave first thing in the morning.  When she was four months I decided he should just stop coming around because he was doing some stuff I didn't want around my little girl, and ever since he hasn't been around much until lately.  hmmm, well that is the easiest way I can explain my life as of now, keep posted for more information and fun facts about what is happening.

P.S my baby girl is doing great!!